Friday, 31 May 2013

Barlinnie Night Nurse

Today, June 1st, marks the 13th anniversary of me moving to Ayr.

It was another one of my whims. I was working with some big balding (aye you read that right - balding) English lassie that I used to go round streets door knocking with asking if people wanted cheaper lecky.

One night I crashed at hers and just couldnae be fucked going back to Glesga so I pretended to fancy her and moved myself into hers without her really saying if it was ok or not.

3 years I managed before she found me out and lobbed me out.

Anyway I want to share with you one of my favourite stories from my time here.

It was 2002,  infact I'll tell you exactly when...It was Saturday March 16th. I know this because Rangers were playing Ayr in the league cup final on Paddy's day the next day.

I had my own flat in the Sandgate after me and the bird had a big argument weeks earlier but we were still seeing each other as pals. This particular night I was speeding, tipsy and feeling lonely.  I never had a PC then so I grabbed the phone and phoned one of those chat and date numbers.

Fuck it why not? Shut up, stop judging me.

So what you do is you leave a wee recording of your voice and if any other weirdo likes the sound of your voice they press * to record a message to send back to you or press # to move onto the next tragic loser.

Some bird answered me back. Wee darling. Sounded  like she came from Newton Mearns. I told her I had a BMW the lot (ach shut up man. How the fuck would she know the truth?)

Anyway we exchanged numbers and she called me and with my wee speed effected walnut whip-like cock in hand I sat there chatting to her to her about her hospital uniform and stuff.

She was fae Clydebank, 40 year old and had nae money but by fuck she sounded super cute so I told her to jump a taxi. The taxi firm phones me up and says "This wummins nae money, yae better meet her".

Look I'll fucking meet her, send her to me.

50 mins later I hear a taxi pull up and I go to the window.

Oot pops Heather Trott's fat uglier sister clutching a farmfoods bag and panting out of breath at having to stand up.

Haud the fuck on here !!


 The Devil and Angel were in my head. The devil was saying "Don't answer the door, are yae mental ya cunt?" and the Angel was like "Aye mate get her tae fuck, her face is harrowing"

But I fucking let her in. Don't know why.

So in she fucking waltzes all smiles and fucking sunshine and I canny help hide my anger. I pointed to her trench coat clad carcass and said "what the fuck are you playing at?"

She was like "Pardon?" in her wee fucking silly annoying squeaky voice that I found adorable only some 54 minutes ago.

I was pure seething.

I said "What's in the farmfoods bag?"

She said "My nurses uniform"

I said ach fuck it wallop it on and we'll see how it turns out.

Next thing I know she's taking this blue and white cotton piece of material from the bag. It was so crumpled it looked like she'd been hiding it in her shoe for a week. I said "What the fuck did you iron that wae, a fucking hauf brick?"

As she opened it out I noticed the fucking thing wasn't shiny like you see in Ann Summers. It was fucking manky and like a tea towel.

I said "that's no a fucking nurses uniform"

She said "I can assure you it is, it's my late mothers"


I said "where did yer maw work as a fucking nurse, Barlinnie?"

She started bubbling aboot her maw so I calmed down and said sorry but told her she was on the fucking couch.

Next day I'm heading up the toon hotel to get the bus to the game and she's walking beside me. I'm trying to walk a bit ahead incase my ex that I'm on a break from seen me...or just incase anycunt seen me.

We walk past the bus station and she says "You've parked your BMW quite a distance from your house"

Oh here, Goldilocks thinks she's getting a lift hame !!

I slapped a fiver in her hand and pointed to the X77 bus to Glasgow.

"There's ma BMW there. My chauffeur will take things from here"

Then I ran away


Like a big stupid wean.


Comments make me really happy