Friday, 7 June 2013

Myspace Diaries


See that Myspace carry on? It brought me fuck all but trouble so's it did and here's an example why.

I was sitting in a library in Ayr in August 2007 and fucking about bored on a chatroom in myspace. The reason I was on a library computer was because only 2 weeks previous I'd been released from jail in America and deported and had fuck all to my name.

This daft bird from Leicester called Sher I'd been chatting to liked my patter and  asked for my email address. I told her it but also told her I had just had a whore of an experience with a bird and wasnae looking for a new one.

That didnae fucking stop this bampot. Sending me email after email of her doing handstands and the splits in  grey lingerie that was clearly white some years ago.

Mad cow. I still palmed the desperado off.

One day she said she had a new sat nav and asked me my address so she could just see out of curiousity how far away I was, but not being daft I told her my old address.

Never heard any more about it.

A couple of weeks later she asked for my works address and I just told her it, fuck knows why, I was only there a few hours a day, nothing mental's gonny happen, I thought.

On the Friday afternoon she phoned me and asks where I am. I tell her I'm at work and she says "I know, look out yer window". I look out the window and there's this mad gommy looking bird sitting in her car smiling at me.

The smile looked like my auntie Margarets.

I had nowhere to take her to. I'd been sleeping on my mates couch and no way was she going back there. Anyone who knows Josey Smith from Ayr will testify that he wanks into ladies shoes to get his kicks.

We ended up the tap of the toon in Ayr in a pub called Rabbies, me sitting there aw shell shocked and her smiling and staring at me as if to say "you're pure brilliant". I was freaking oot ma nut. Her hair looked welded on, kinda like it was plastic too and melting round the sides. I couldn't take my eyes off it.

We were sitting at a seat beside the bar and I seen wee Archie. It was wee Archie I rented my last flat off of. Nice wee flat down by the river in South Harbour st. I told her I was going over to say hello. I wanted to know if he'd rent it back out to me.

I walked over and Archie's face lights up like a christmas tree. "Oi you ya madman, what the fuck you been up to ya dirty bastard?"

I'm not a dirty bastard, I'm a nice fellow so I was taken aback and asked "What dae yae mean dirty?"

"2 weeks ago a parcel arrived for you. I thought you were still over in America so I opened it, fucking manky knickers and polaroids of some nudey wummin"

Aw ffs. I look towards the bird, she's heard him. Archie looks over his shoulder to see who I'm looking at and sees her. He thought I was alone. You can see both of their faces click on. He's like "That's that bird wae the hairy fanny" and she's like "That specky guy's seen my hairy muff"

Archie drunk his pint and left. She just sat there numb. Awkward silence central.

We went to a B&B and she left the next day.

Didnae shag her lads. No wae Auntie Margaret's smile.

3 weeks later she invited me down to Leicester for a week. I was at a loose end and hated being back in Ayr so against my better judgement went down. She sales pitched me. Went on about the bar in her living room a lot.

When I arrived in her house she was just setting the table in the kitchen and her fucking kids were there, a boy about 11 and a 15 year auld lassie. I don't know why but I thought her kids were gonny be at their dads. She had made a huge effort. Wine bucket, big casserole dishes and stuff. You could tell me coming to meet her had meant a lot.

We sat at the dinner table in the kitchen and I was a wee bit nervous. Meeting your birds kids is usually something that happens after a few dates at least. So far all we had under our belt was a night in Ayr with a guy that had smelt her soiled knickers.

The son was not happy at all. He hated me. I didn't take it personal, he wanted his mum and dad to be together and there was some strange Scottish cunt sitting drinking out his da's favourite mug. The daughter didn't really give a fuck.

The son asked me a question, something like "Is it like Braveheart where you live in Scotland?" and his maw said excuse me? and made eyes at him as if to say "remember what we spoke about before David turned up". The son reluctanctly as fuck then said...

"Is it like Braveheart where you live in Scotland, Dad?"

She gave a wee nod of approval as if to say "That's better"

You probably think I've just made that up. I haven't. I spat my Tesco supreme range sausage oot and told the boy he didn't need to say that. She said "Oh no David, start as you mean to go on". It was at this moment I realised that I was dating an actual nutter. Not a pretend nutter like daft birds who just fancy you too much  then get evil when they realise you have no interest in them... an actual nutter !!

I decided to get drunk all week and sit online and ignore everyone in that house till my bus home next Sunday.
I woke up one morning before everyone else and sneaked down to the PC to tell everyone on MSN and Myspace that I was trapped in a mad bastards house.

I then spied a bottle of Baileys in her bar..

Fuck it...8:42am but fuck it !!

I tanned it and filled it with milk.

  A few days went by with me still not uttering a word to anycunt. I could always feel her face burning the side of my face. Her looking over to me trying to catch my eye so she could invite me over to watch TV with the kids but no fucking way man. Daddy Limondo was on Myspace getting therapy from friends.

The weekend came and she invited over her cousin and her man for a drink. The cousin was nice. Kinda manky looking but looked like you could scrub her up to a reasonable standard. Her boyfriend was a wanker. Typical fucking English cunt who thought he'd get wee digs about Scotland in. Boring as fuck. I was heading to bed in 5 minutes. Fuck them.

Just then the cousin said "Oh Sheryl, I'd love a Baileys, you got any?"

Aw fuck sake man !!

I postponed going to bed and sprung into life. I was like "You know what's nice? Spiced rum and coke"

"Oh I like that David but I really want a Baileys"

I said "Aye but spiced rum is stronger, it's fucking lovely" but it wasnae washing.

I had to steady myself for my best surprised face as the bird started pouring that milk into her glass. As it was pouring I was thinking "right, look at the telly, don't turn round and look at the glass as that'll look guilty as fuck"

She took a sip of  her now sour milk and laughed and called my bird a cheapskate bastard. Her man was laughing too but my bird was raging, she felt humiliated. I had to calm her down, I joined in "hahaha mental man, hahaha milk? hahhaha that's funny (look at us all laughing haha we are having great fun folks haha life is great haha)

But the bird was fucking still raging, Apologising to me for the embarrassment. I was like "It's cool, relax, it's funny"

Just then the 15 year auld daughter came home from a night out with her pals. The maw stood up and slapped fuck out of her. Rag dolling her accusing her of filling the Baileys up with milk and saying she ruined her night.

The daughter was screaming and crying and said "Mum I swear on grans life I never touched the Baileys"


She never says that unless she's telling the absolute truth. She loved her gran (apparently)

So who drunk it and had the absolute fucking cheek to fill it with milk?

No one looked round to me but they knew.

They knew I'd just let a lassie get a battering from her maw for my early morning treat.

I went to my bed. I'd brought shame on Scotland. I know that every time they hear the word "Scotland"   they now think of that Scottish guy Sher met that filled the Baileys bottle with milk.

The next day was Sunday and I was thankfully going home that night but I decided to go to the shops and get breakfast. The maw shouted her son and told him to go with me. Oh great, more awkwardness.

On the way to the shops the  wee guy never said a word. I said to him "You miss yer dad don't you?" and all shy and half scared to tell me said "yeah". I said "well listen wee man, I don't want to see your mum again and when I get home I'm not going to phone her again so maybe your mum and dad might get back together again, ok?"

The wee guy was delighted. For the last few hours I was there he was my best pal. On the auld Xbox having the only fun of the week.

Next day I was back in Ayr. She rang me. I now had to chuck her, here we go. I answered the phone, she was all quiet, like she was crying. She told me her husband had turned up last night and she was lonely and they had wine and they shagged and could I forgive her?

No. I can forgive anything but that. I'm sorry but you've broken my heart.

I then hung up.

And went on Myspace chat.


p.s I went on facebook there and searched her name.

Here she is...finally happy

All's well that ends well




  1. Funny shit bud but I think you dodged a bullet there. #munter

  2. What's wrong with that guy's head?


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