Yesterday morning I had an hour to kill.
I was in my home scheme of Carnwadric visiting a friend but they were taking ages to get ready so I decided, seeing as the sun was out, to go a walk up the Rouken Glen park.
The 'Roukie' is always a fun* place because of where it's situated. It's right on the border of Glasgow and upper class spam valley East Renfrewshire. It's where Jezza Kyle meets To the Manor Born. On a busy day in the park the typical sounds you'll hear is nedspeak and the sound of posh folk tutting in unison at the neds behaviour. After a while the posh tutting start to sound like crickets chirping.
Anyway, on my way to the Roukie I passed by this old fat pensioner woman in her front garden hanging up washing. It was a great opportunity for a shitty Instagram pic. Her garden was mostly in the shade because of the big fuck off trees surrounding her house but shafts of light were poking through the trees and it looked like baby Jesus or his auld man were shining light onto her from the heavens above, this old crow with her blue rinse, bad back and lavender smelling cardigan.
So I whipped my phone out and tried to capture a good angle for the pic from afar.
Just then this cunt faced smarmy wee prick pulls up in his car and says "Excuse me, what the hell do you think you're doing? That's an old woman!!"
I knew right away this was one of those do-gooder types out to save the community from those horrid Glaswegians so treated him like a fanny and told him to fuck off. He stated giving it the "Do you want to see my warrant card?" and kept threatening to go into his pocket to bring out some shitty bus pass type thing that lets everyone know he's a cheese encrusted helmet.
I started to get a little bit irrational and actually panicked. I was like "Aw naw man, what's the opposite of a paedo? A geriatro? An auld biddy-o? A fucking Grannyo?". Whatever the fuck it is I actually started thinking I had done something pure out of order and walked away as he called the coppers.
40 mins later on my way back to my mates I walk past the house again but play it safe and walk on the other side of the road and there's a couple of younger guys in the garden. nothing got said and I walked on.
5 minutes later one of them came running up to me. he looked like a pure redneck. Like John boy from the Waltons only with an ISA and a trust fund. He introduced himself as the old crow's son and in one of those arsehole accents that only East Renfrewshire folk have started saying "Hey, the cops are looking for you. you better hand yourself in fellow"
I start telling the guy I like taking pics of utter shite (anyone on my facebook can testify to this) but just then a fucking cop car goes past and he flags it down!!
I was like "Aw fucking naw man"
The son started telling the coppers "This is the guy you're looking for" and the coppers are like "Eh?". We both get a chance to tell our sides to the story, the son going first. He describes how his old mother may have been violated and actually said "Well you know, this guy may be totally innocent but she was hanging washing up, she has to bend over to pick it up out the basket"
Dear reader, she was a wee fat wummin. She was 70 odds. She looked like a cross between Roy Croppers maw and Pat Butcher. I didnae know whether to laugh or greet. he actually thought I was gonny wank over the thought of his pensioner maws fat arse? He consciously thinks his maw's pure sexy and if it wasnae for the senile dementia she'd know it.
Anyway to cut a long story short the coppers were a little confused. I mean after all it's not a criminal offence to take a pic from a public highway so they sent me on my way with a "gonny ask the wummins permission if yer gonny take her pic next time mate?". I could have argued that I legally don't need to but I could tell they had a sort of "ffs mate let's aw go catch some rays and get this daft cunt tae fuck" look on his face.
The son tried to apologise but I wasnae having it. I told him I didn't like his tone and he was patronising. It pure hurt him, ruined his entire summer.
He walked away a broken man. You just know he's away out today to buy his maw a less sexier cardigan.
Swear to fuck man, these East Renfrewshire folk are living on another planet.
* Not fun