He hadn't a clue about facebook. I'd just popped into the pub for a quick pint that night when he asked me to set an account up for him. Immediately ideas for having a right good noise up were rushing through my brain.
So I set the account up for him. Added about 300 people he knew then left him to it. A couple of days passed and I'd sign into his account but only post wee daft things. Things like "drunk again tonight". Gerry, being the least computer savvy person in the world, would say things like "fuck sake that's scary. How does facebooks know when I'm steaming?". This was an amazing time for Gerry. He was bedazzled by technology now.
A few days of this past and I was getting bored. He had around 500 friends by this time and lots were sending him private messages but Gerry hadn't a clue so I'd reply to them from his account with wee daft things like" awright mate, I'm working in Lidl now as a security guard". Nothing mental. Just wee daft things so that a year later when they seen him in the pub he'd be flummoxed at why folk thought he worked in lidl or that he was a bus driver now.
So aye, like I say, I was getting bored now so I done one last post on his account then signed out. It was a Monday early evening and I posted..
"Fuck sake that's me just out the Sheriff court. I was in all weekend. They've charged me with stealing sausages. I never stole them. I just put them in my pocket and forgot about them"
That was it. Nothing more, nothing less.
Well everyone had a right good laugh didn't they? Cunts were posting hundreds of crap sausage related jokes.
"fuck sake Gerry I was gonny send yae a LINK for the game tonight but you'll only steal it ya mad heid BANGER hahahaha"
Shite like that.
But this is where the problems started. Unbeknown to me, Gerry had forgot his facebook passport/password. He didnae know about the post. So when he goes into work and gets pelters about being a sausage shoplifter he has no idea wtf they're taking about. Someone tells him about it on facebooks but remember, Gerry thinks facebook knew he was drunk. Rather than thinking someones signed into his account he's thinking facebook itself is taking the cunt out of him. He was livid at them. He was asking people if they knew the phone number for facebooks.
Finally someone had the patience to explain it to him and asked him if anyone knew his password. That's when the penny dropped and he's went "THAT LIMOND CUNT".
Days and weeks went past and wherever Gerry went cunts were ridiculing him. He'd never want to hear the word sausage again.
He used to drink down Paisley Road West a lot and when he explained to a few rough cunts that a guy had "hacked him" they wanted justice for Gerry. There was talk of me getting done in. Like seriously. Guys unhappy about Gerry's woes looking for me over a false sausage story. Even paramilitaries were getting mentioned. Not even kidding. I had visions of Ulster cunts all sitting round a table in balaclavas discussing the weeks issues and them taking about sausages. A mad Proddy Fatwah against me. Jesus.
So I decided to go and meet Gerry. This was getting out of hand. I was walking about all day muttering " sausages? Are people seriously annoyed? Sausages???"
There he was sitting in my local. All sad as fuck. Alone. I went on the offensive and acted angry like I was the one being wronged. What's this about cunts wanting to do me in?
Gerry said that was just drunk cunts talking and to never mind that shite. So the ball being back in my court I had to say sorry. Pure took everything I had in me to sound sincere. I even made eye contact. Looked deep into those troubles eyes and said sorry. Pure dying to laugh. I just managed it.
So we had a pint and a natter and talked about the football and that. Five mins later he remembers something from sausage-gate and says "aw here and I'll tell yae something else, nothing worse when you've just knocked yer pan in doing a 12 hour shift and yer son comes bursting into the living room in tears saying the kids at school are all singing" your da's a sausage snatcher"
Na I just lost it. Burst out laughing. It's funnier when the two words start with the same letter. Kids are great at that. Link Lifter. Pork Pincher etc
I just got up and left my pint and the pub.
Fuck sake man. It was only sausages. Get a fucking grip everycunt and lighten up.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Comments make me really happy